Dreams Deferred

I’m going to get my a** in this dress, I said to myself. For months I had been killing it in the gym getting ready for fashion show season. I maxed out on the elliptical and as I hopped off..SNAP. I felt like there was a rubber band that popped in my knee. Oh no I thought..it’ll be cool a little ice and tylenol I’ll be back in the gym in a few days. I went to work the next day which just so happened to be Halloween. Drenched in fake blood and scrubs I terrorized the kids at work all day. They were running and screaming their heads off when i went to dodge some runners yet another SNAP of the knee. More ice and tylenol couldn’t help this time. To my surprise, I find out I had a chipped bone, and a tear in my meniscus. But as in Hollywood the show must go on. I continued on the runway, killing it like nothing was wrong. Eventually my heels got shorter, my tolerance for the pain dwindled as well. I eventually stopped auditions and only did select shows. So, the dream I once had I am choosing to lay it to rest. I can no longer beat myself up, ice my knee backstage and wear those God awful kitten heels. I spent so many shows backstage with my knee wrapped damn near crying sometimes. Through this change I’ve discovered the reason I started modeling in the 1st place. I wanted a platform to showcase that women my size can be powerful, sexy, and downright sickening. I used that as a way to boost my own self esteem and show other women/girls it’s room for all of us here. I started when I was 8 so 22 years of modeling I’m kissin the runway goodbye in the upcoming months. I get sad thinking about it sometimes but I spent years helping others showcasing others talents, and live their dreams. Now it’s my turn. I felt like the modeling was a segway. A start to what my true purpose is, and that is opening doors for others. I want to help people build their self image, recognize their potential, and to stop dreaming and start getting it done. No matter what it is, do it! I was writing before I ever walked on a stage. Comic strips, short stories, poetry I love it all. It’s always been my refuge, and my dream to be heard , in my own way. You can’t see how multifaceted a person is on the runway. You look pretty, smize, turn and then poof you’re off. My new dream is to live out loud, to be present in what I do everyday. When was the last time you had clarity going into work? When was the last time you woke up with a goal in mind and refused to let anything stop you from it? This time I don’t need the sexy pictures, shows, and glam squad to fulfill my needs and desires. I need my laptop, headphones, and that is about it. My days of agonizing over being in Full Figure fashion shows, pageants, and online contests are over. I will always value everything I received during those 22 years of modeling. I appreciate every designer who told me yes, and even more so everyone that told me no! You all humbled me and I am forever grateful. I’m ready to stop dreaming about my future and start making it happen, my way! It’s time to focus on marriage, family, ownership, and the next level. I encourage my young girls interested to go for it. Don’t be afraid of the word “No” because you will hear it often. If they say they don’t want your size, walk that walk and make them change their minds.

-xoxo Sam

P.S. a guest appearance here and there may not be completely out of the question