Confessions of a caregiver pt.3

Mommy, lets finish your bath so you can go to bed. Her: You see that dragon outside? It’s green and huge!...... Luckily I had been preparing myself for this change in behavior... her hallucinations were a regular occurrence. I fought the dragon as she told me to, and made sure my nephew was safe in his room. Do you see the lines of bugs crawling on the floor? With tear ducts bursting at the seams, I helped her swat away all the non-existent bugs on the floor. I helped her swat until they were all cleared away.

As a seasoned caregiver, I was ill prepared for the events leading to her passing. One thing for sure is to make the patient feel comfortable, take their lead. I learned the hard way.

Mom: laughing and stretching out her arms...she quietly said Mama…. I had fallen asleep on the burgundy sofa in her room. At that moment I sat straight up and my sister went to her bedside. She said move! Apparently we were interrupting a meeting between her and our grandmother. She gripped and hugged the air as tight as her gip would allow. I had never met my maternal grandparents but for months the spirit of my departed loved ones were hovering over me and showing a bed that was prepared. I knew exactly what was coming.

I was getting a holistic massage when the room and my body temperature were hot as coals before I knew it the posters came flying off the wall...energy pure energy. As I was drifting into another realm I felt the presence of my grandmother. She walked the journey with me. Basically she said my baby will be cared for. As if that didn’t take the cake, my mother often mentioned a little girl visited her at night. We asked if it was my niece and she'd shake her head no. I knew exactly who it was, my sister. For many years it seems as if my sister went ghost…..I mean she is a ghost...you get my drift? This little girl brought my mother joy, she would smile for no apparent reason and so I let her be.

I am a believer in the spiritual realm, and clairvoyance. My mom was the complete opposite so when she started back cursing it was right on time. As childish as it sounds, hearing her curse took me back to the good ol days. I felt like I was reconnecting with her younger self.

The weeks went by and she no longer spoke. It was hand squeezes, eye rolls, and temper tantrums. As her vital signs began declining, appetite took a major nose dive..some tough decisions had to be made. The morning I was awakened from my bed because she had fallen out of bed again and went into shock. She laid there in her pamper like a helpless baby. While in the middle of a global pandemic we had to send her to the hospital to be checked out. The hospital gave her the option to stay there or come home. Although she didn't suffer from any injuries they wanted to keep her as a result of her fading condition.

We decided to bring her home and tough it out. We always promised we would never send her to a “home” . What's ironic is I used to always threaten to send her to Shady Acres if she wasn’t nicer to me. I broke my promise….after several rough days, no sleep, no shower, greasy fast foods, we made a decision. We decided to send mom to respite care to live out her final days. There was nothing more we could do and frankly we were drained in every way imaginable. I’ll never forget having to have her be carried out and the family surrounding her as the transportation prepared for her transport. We all cried, hollered, it was like nothing I had ever felt in my life. The dog reached up her mouth to give her granny kisses before she was out of sight.

Watching them drive away...all I can say is inconsolable.

We finally had down time to rest, clean, self care but there was no way we could leave her like that. Wouldn’t you know a certain sister of mine snuck into the facility and stayed with our mom until her cover was blown. It took me a few days to see her. I couldn’t bear to see her in this place I swore to keep her out of. Everyday she would say,” yall lied,” and we knew what she was saying. We had a daily countdown. Patients in respite care are only given an allotment of 5 days. On the 5th day, our girl was still fighting and was bought back home. She smiled from the gurney knowing she was home. After the nurse’s visit, we were informed there could be hours left maybe a day or two. There's no correct way to accept this kind of news. No one could prepare for what was coming our way. She slept, woke up, slept an occasional movement but little activity. Her pulse had dropped, kidneys and other organs had begun shutting down.

Most days we sat on the porch just to get some air, only leaving the house for food. The days seemed to run together. We had no concept of time...just one big blur.

I walked into her room, played with her fingernails as I did every night. She had the longest and strongest natural nails you’d ever seen, they were always polished. I told her goodnight and I’d be right there in the morning when she woke up. My intuition said this is it, let her go in peace as she requested. Minutes later my sister said. mommy’s not breathing. I said, yes she is I just left out of her room. I walked back in and there she lay lifeless, in her bed as she wanted. He somehow always got her way, fighting the 5 day stay at respite care, to what wig she wanted to wear for her “debut”.

I couldn’t stand to watch the coroner take her out. I watched as my nephews held her in their arms and that was too much to bear. Her oldest grandson cried with his grandmother in his arms. I ran downstairs to my apartment and hid in my bedroom. I sat there motionless for what seemed like an eternity. There wasn’t enough medicine or alcohol to ease this kind of hurt. It wasn’t until a day after it suddenly hit me.. My very best friend is gone, forever. What am I supposed to do? If I'm not her caregiver, what am I? My phone rang. It was my bestie checking in, without warning I completely blacked out. I remember leaning over the bannister contemplating to join her…. Death had always been discussed in our home, but I had always hoped there would be some type of magic that would keep her longer than myself. She was my anchor and life without her was now reality. Not only did I lose my mother but my last living parent. All of my parents, biological and otherwise were all gone. As an adult I still need parental guidance, someone to steal out of their deep freezer, or to answer student loan calls on my behalf. I spent half of my life taking care of her. She battled diabetes, cancer , intestine issues, eye surgeries, vascular disease, and more than 10 surgeries.She deserved her rest, I was sure of that.

One thing about Rosalind Smith is she was going to be fly no matter the occasion. As requested, she wore her favorite wig (the one i bought her) which was blonde of course. She was draped in a gown that came from Saudi Arabia with detailed gold accents. Wouldn’t you know it, sis was late getting ready. Why was she late to her own viewing...he was getting her nails done. Baby!! class act all the way through. She was beautiful. I couldn't believe I was looking at her this way, in this place. She looked like she did before sickness. I knew that face, that wide grin even earth couldn’t take her smile. I am still in denial. I know it happened, I was there but it feels as if I’m still at a standstill. Grief Is what we experience when mourning a loss. I’m somewhere in another universe most times. I’m not sure who I am half the time, what I want from life, and how to move on. My thoughts range from , my children will never know their maternal grandparents, just like me. There will be no parents on my wedding day...Life without parents no matter the age is an experience that cannot be explained. It changes you! People try their best to understand you, your process, the truth is you won’t understand until it’s you in those shoes. We lost our anchor in our world. Many people (self included) believed she waited just for me. I was mama’s baby. Her passing was the beginning of the end for many things….Well, it all started at the funeral…….. To be continued.