I Do...... I Don't

Hopefully this isn’t your first time reading my blog if so, welcome! If you haven’t already learned this 1 thing about me, know that I have anxiety/panic disorder and sometimes -ish gets real ! Let's talk about the thing that makes me most anxious, uncomfortable, happy, crazy simultaneously, romantic relationships. I can handle unpleasantness at work, with friends, but feeling anxious with someone I am romantically linked with is on a whole other planet. Opening up, deciding to date, becoming exclusive, merging families...it’s all a bit much at times. Sometimes I’m super mellow (mostly because I’ve had my galaxy snack...more on that next blog). Other times I’m nervous, which brings me to today. I have been a nervous wreck for approximately ….13 months. Yup it’s possible. I met my boyfriend, and with anyone you date you discuss future plans, kids, values etc. Well kids that was a breeze he’s a dad with beautiful babies whom I love dearly. Where it got tricky..he was previously married. Divorced for over 6 years. In my mind GAME ON. There’s a girl code that once you learn about this person...you go hard and try to be better than she was. Just me? Liar! Oh she didn’t cook regularly? Ok cool, me: cooks 4 course meal with the oven on 400 degrees in the middle of July. I was never made to feel like I had to compete but my inner warrior was telling me you have to be everything she wasn’t and do everything she wouldn’t. You know go above and beyond make him wish he had met you 1st. After a while I felt like I was burning myself out. I never had this conversation with him but I had to have a real good self talk. I can’t beat someone who is not competing with me. It's a tough pill to swallow to know you can’t have too many 1st experiences with your significant other. Our worldviews sometimes conflict he has certain experiences I don’t and i feel so immature sometimes. I’m without children; I’ve pretty much only had to take care of myself. The way parents see things is so different than someone without. Even though they’re divorced i can't help but wonder (Carrie Bradshaw voice) if there was ever a chance he would leave me and they’d get back together yikes! When meeting his family I kept telling myself I hope they never accidentally call me by her name. Or if I get invited to the family reunion what if someone asks, where is (name I will not speak of ) Nothing is more terrifying than your own mind and the countless “what if” scenarios. Lately my mind has been out of this world and it’s a touchy subject I don’t like discussing. So I chose to tell the internet instead. I wish i could just turn the volume down on my brain. It’s like having a billion thoughts running at once and only a few are clear the rest are just a blur. Now I’m at a crossroad, do I have this really have deep conversation about my feelings, or let things play out? If you believe in open communication like me you know how hard it is to keep something to yourself that bugs you so much. Until that time I’ll just be out in space thinking about it I suppose. My self worth, and confidence is being questioned because anxiety makes you question yourself as opposed to just seeing the situation for what it is. They said I do, then they didn’t so what’s next? In my whole dating life I've been as nervous as hell like I am this go round. Y'all pray for me!