7 Days of Solace

12:02 a.m. on the nose. Every night I wake up at the same time and do the same thing. I reach for my phone to scroll through my notifications. But something was different today WTF...all my social media accounts silenced, turned off, gone. How? Why? Oh yeah , I began purging.

Purge is defined as ridding someone of any unwanted energy, feelings, or memories. No I’m not talking about the movies where people go on a 24 hour killing spree for “religious” cleansing. I'm talking about secluding myself in a no social media, positive affirmation filled bubble for 7 days. I decided after a rough Mercury Retrograde, that ended in a sudden series of unfortunate events, that I needed some time to heal cleanse, and release. During this time period communication with loved ones was rocky or simply non existent in some cases. Now I was spending my time alone reading and writing on how to get back to happiness and tune into myself. The word Purge kept popping up. So I decided to challenge myself, on my own terms. I decided to leave social media after some asshole verbally attacked me on Instagram(as if I didn't have enough going on at the time.) Taking a break seemed like a good idea. I also decided to meditate daily which helps relax me and allows me to clear my mind. I would wake up with a round of positive affirmations in the morning/go to sleep listening to them at night. The biggest thing I challenged myself to do was to write daily. I grew up a writer whether it was short stories, poetry, journaling, I just loved the freedom of writing. I journaled for seven days and here's what I discovered during that time.

Day 1: It was a struggle the 1st day for sure. On this day I asked myself what was I doing with my time before social media? Before MySpace and Facebook emerged during my senior year/freshman year in college, I was a texter. I remember before texting was free my mother would call me at school and complain about how high my bill was and who the hell I was texting when I was supposed to be in class. I miss those days because it was intimate, and just between the people in the conversation. I realized that most people I communicate with now are through messenger, or posts. I didn't speak to even a quarter of those people that day. Hmmm so I made it my business to start trying to text/call people more. This one tidbit really grinds my gears; Why do people that have your phone number still DM you or you a message app when they have the person’s phone number? I fall into it too but whyyyyy? It makes no sense. Meditating was the easiest task for me it allowed me to think clearly and helped me with my journaling. I wrote about my work day, how consumed I felt, almost trapped by social media like I was missing out on life's moments. Bless Rahnie (my bae/bestie 4 life), I would text her and ask her was I was missing anything but she refused to tell me anything. Thanks girl!

Day 2: I woke up did my morning affirmations. It’s going to be okay today I kept repeating to myself. It seemed like all Hell broke out at work. Kids were literally attacking each other in physical fights straight out of High School High. I would normally get in a group text and complain but I just grabbed my pen and journal instead. I felt like the world around me was in chaos and I was just trying to stay in my little bubble of solitude. It was literally insane all the teachers and staff looked like The Walking Dead. Everyone was tired and drained. Let me just say misery and sadness are contagious, and it's hard to remain positive in that type of environment. I thought about my relationship a lot that day. I wanted to call him that day and tell him how bad my day was beg for a night of Netflix and cuddles then it hit me smack dab in the face...he’s not going to be there to catch you this time. I became resentful by that evening praying he didn’t call me because it only made me feel worse. I got my wish he didn’t call on day 2. Off to dreamland with my sleep meditation blaring from my headphones. It wasn’t a restful sleep. None of my nights had been in a while.

Day 3: From the looks of my filled journal pages , I was a chatty Patty day 3. It was a Friday I had made the decision early in the day I was going to this birthday party. I was going to get cute, put on some heels and dance. As the work day went on I knew a bit of fun was necessary. My outfit was on the bed, I had just painted my toenails with some bomb OPI color. As time moved on I fell into a typical me pattern, I just laid back down and went to sleep. I never made it out. Sometimes with this disorder your mind tells you to go and your body tells you not to . Most of the time my body wins. I flake alot and to the people I flake on I apologize. Know I do not do it intentionally. I woke up later that night and walked my dog. I was overcome with emotions. Its something therapeutic about taking a walk I have no idea what it is. I came home sat in my writing spot and just let the words flow. This breakup just wouldn't leave my mind...so many what if’s and why’s came out. Eventually I watched some Netflix until I passed out.

Day 4: Whose bright idea is it for us to have these volunteer meetings on Saturday Mornings? I rolled out of bed, and debated if I was going to flake out on this too. I made myself go and had a pretty productive meeting. It was Saturday Family Fun day! Yayy (inserts sarcasm) It wasn’t that I didn't want to have a fun day out with the fam. I just knew what type of experience I was going to have and I did not have my “medicine” to keep me calm. It started off a rocky day not going to the amusement park until 6pm but we got there everybody was happy. As it got later and the crowds got thicker, the lines got longer, that old familiar feeling kicked in, and I knew it wouldn't be long before I would have to exit. If i could describe the panic attacks I have when in a crowded space, it feels like you’re on a roller coaster with non stop hills. I get nauseous, light headed, sweaty, and chest pains. Unfortunately I avoid a lot of fun things because I know how it will end. People often times don’t understand how traumatic these attacks really are. Coming down off of one is just as hard. At least this time I made it through the whole outing. I ended this day with a few glasses of Chardonnay and you guessed it Netflix.

Day 5: Okay I’m starting to think I also have OCD. I woke up, and had my morning coffee. Out of nowhere I just started cleaning. I had let my house become a dump in the last few weeks. But I started cleaning the basement, washing up all the clothes, sweeping, throwing out things. I guess the purge had gone beyond just the mental, I had to physically clear my space too. On this day is when I started noticing how lighter i was beginning to feel. Now that I had found my way back to doing what I enjoyed, writing. I felt at ease knowing if there were negative things floating online about me, a celebrity fight or drama, whatever, I wasn’t apart of it. This time I felt better about being out of the loop. I knew whatever was going on outside my bubble would have no affect on me and I was cool with that. I sat down to write again and asked the question when did social media become the high school popularity contest? Initially, it served as a way to stay connected with family/friends and spiraled into businesses, and a slew of other things. Then when Instagram came around that's when it all changed for me. I noticed selfies were everything! Who doesn't like a good pic of themselves and getting a bunch of likes? I noticed people had starting begging people to “like” their posts. O...k…. If you like it just double tap right? Then everyone wants to know how many followers do you have? Do any celebrities follow you? Are you verified? I mean it spiraled out of control into this egotistical machine. We stopped communicating with words and used images to validate how we felt about one another with a thumbs up. I'm guilty of this to some extent I like to promote things I’m working on. When I'm having a good hair day, or going out somewhere I’ll post it why not? I realized on several occasions, im typing this super long update and I’m pretty sure nobody genuinely cares about what I have to say. These are my thoughts I’m not here to judge my selfie kings/queens. I too love selfies. I use them as a quick ego boost I’m not going to front.

Day 6: I woke up tossing and turning another night of restlessness. I did my positive affirmations in the morning, wore bright colors, tried to invoke the white light and good energy all that stuff. As usual, my work day was full of chaos, fights, cussing, and idiotic administrators on my last nerves. I was out of my special medicine so wine had to do for that night. Night 6 I slept a lot better, thanks sangria.

Day 7: A sense of calmness came over me in a cool way. I knew that I had completed something, I was almost at the finish line. If you would have told me I would be so reliant on social media when I first started my Facebook page, I would have thought you were crazy. With anything there’s good and bad sides. As it pertains to social media it all depends on how you use it. On the positive side I have reconnected with several loved ones over the phone. I'm texting more (still not as good as calling, but its a work in progress), Set up more fun outings less staying in the house,and writing, I haven’t wrote this much since before college. On the flip side the 1st day back on I had so many notifications. Guess what, none of them were of any importance! I checked my group chats, no real substance just small talk. When I was in my bubble, none of the trivial things mattered. What mattered most is how the things I did made me feel internally. When I logged on, I realized why I needed the space and time.

So to bring it all home, taking time for self away from the high paced world online is so necessary. Taking time to tap into your desires, and hobbies is essential. Getting in tune with those who love and support you is imperative. Fill your time with love, support, genuine good people. Know that social media is a tool and it's up to you how you use it. #PurgeWhenNeeded

Lessons I learned about social media

1. If you like your picture post it. Do not validate your feelings of yourself based on a number of likes!

2. Black out sometimes, give it a rest give the world time to miss you a little, and time to breathe

3. Know when and what to post. Everything doesn't have to be posted be mindful. Funerals, just stop it, in a hospital bed stop it!

4. Don't let everyone into your personal space with your pictures. People think they know you if you put it all out there for the world to see.

5. Promote positive things lets top with the fights, and violence, and overly sexualized imagery.