Confessions of a Caretaker

What in the …. the hell is that smell ? I looked around; I took the trash out, is it the dog? Sniffs armpits DAAMMMNNNN. Did I shower today? Did I shower last night? I was so busy counting pills, cooking meals,  trying to maintain 2 households, I forgot about something as small as washing my tail. Since I was 17 years old my mom has been sick. In 2004 she was hospitalized for cardio vascular blockages in which she had to undergo surgery on her neck. It was my senior year of high school and she told the doctor surgery had to wait because I was graduating and she didn’t have time to be bedridden. That process was difficult because I was getting ready for college and couldn't care for her the way I wish I could’ve. Luckily for family, she was able to see me graduate and move away for school. Fast forward to 2008 the scariest diagnosis yet the dreaded C ; she was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. It was the scariest because cancer ran through our family taking several cousins and our maternal grandmother. Mom decided that chemo was not an option and decided to get a mastectomy losing one of her breasts. I was home and able to take care of her. I had never seen anything like it and it was scary. Family was coming in town which is usually a bad sign. Luckily after months of rest, recovery, therapy she bounced back. In 2016 after a yearly mammogram doctors found a mass on the breast. Yes once again it was cancer in the breast This time was a bit more severe stage 3. She made the decision to keep her breast and go through with the chemotherapy. The whole process of caring for a patient in Chemo was the most scary, draining, and painful thing to watch her go through. The first day we spent about 7 hours at the hospital. It did not go well, her body had rejected the first medicine. After trial and error, the team of doctors found the best therapy option for her. She lost all of her hair but none of her spark. I swear the bald head was my favorite. She rocked it ! After several months she had completed her therapy and there were no signs of Cancer. She got back into the old swing and boom 2018 after a routine colonoscopy the doctor found a block. She had to yet again go under the knife. After 5 hours in surgery I got the call surgery was successful but more complicated that planned. I just thank goodness after so many surgeries, ER visits she’s still here. Fast forward to today. It is 9 degrees outside I’m in the house with pajamas ana hair bonnet on. I have time to cook, prep medicine, and that’s basically it. I’ll never complain about  being in this position, because there’s no one I really want to take care of my mom besides me. I become a little possessive when she’s sick. Because of that, I am tired as shit ! My body is drained, Im forgetting what day it is, even forgetting to take the dog out sometimes. I appreciate all the love and support but I m ready to bury my phone set it on fire then throw it in the lake. My phone rings from sun up to sun down with calls about my mom’s well being. I have incomplete work assignments, unheard voicemails, unwashed hair, the list goes on. From years of experience I can say being a caretaker is hard work. You have to put your life on hold to help rehabilitate someone in need. I went to Walmart on the late night, it was raining, I played Phil Collins as I drove the long way. It was the 1st time I had been somewhere other than the hospital and the house in a week. I had forgotten what stuff looked like lol. I say all this to say be kind to caretakers ask them how they are, how you can relieve them. It matters and it is appreciated. I plan on sneaking out tonight, that is if my patient is asleep shhhhhhhhh!
That was Thursday night. I went a did a little karaoke had a few more cocktails than I should have. I paid for it the next morning when my patient was up waiting for her breakfast. Fast forward to Friday one week post surgery. She’s up talking on the phone, and watching soap operas good sign. Come Saturday she’s on her feet a little more, the phone is still ringing off the hook. This damn phone….I snuck and put all the phones on silent, both of our cell phones and her house phone. You would have thought we had captured by terrorists by the number of worried voice mails she got later that day oops. I wonder if my phone would ever ring like this if I was the one sick…?...food for thought. She had a house full of company it was a bit overwhelming for me so I had an exit strategy, go pick up her meds, and take the longest route possible. I treated myself to some ice cream and took a few minutes to just sit in my car and have a breather. Besides going to my house to sleep and bathe(occasionally) I hadn’t had any me time in over a week. As the day more company cam, more phone calls. It was about 11 p.m. when everything settled. I gave my patient her happy pills and counted down until she would be knocked out. I was able to creep home around midnight. I was so tired I had a double of my favorite whiskey and finally bed. 3 hours later I’m wide awake. My mother busted me earlier trying to sneak sleeping pills from her stash. I’m a known habitual peel taker whether it be for pain or just to sleep so she always monitors what I’m taking (long story, refer to my 2nd blog post). I still managed to get one. Still it took me until after 3 a.m. to get some sleep. The thinker..mind always going can’t sleep. Sunday Funday rolls around.I have a day full of chores to do in the house but luckily I have some errands so it should be a good day. I load the dog in the car so I can take her to the groomers and enjoy my afternoon. FML we get rolling it’s a whole ass tsunami outside. Day plans ruined..no lunch outside and walking the shopping plaza as planned. I got completely drenched trying to get out the car. I can’t lie for a minute i almost cried. I just wanted to get out and enjoy the weather by myself. I made the most of my day, and the second my big toe hit the front porch of our house, “where’s my dinner” I want this, Can you do that, did you remember to..?.” Shit I should have sat in the car for a few more minutes. I do my best thinking in the car I swear. As I have trained myself, get it done. Laundry, cooked her meal, cooked myself dinner. Before I knew it it was midnight. Here I am yet again wide awake yet tired to the highest level, but can’t sleep. So here I am having wine, typing. Today was hard, I understand the importance of outlets, quiet time, and taking care of others.  Everyday I see her making progress makes it a little easier to carry the weight. I’m not alone on this journey, but it gets very lonely at times. I am thankful for my friends and family who have stopped in for a visit, bought me wine and food...again wine is always accepted ! As i was editing this blog post, tragedy struck my neighborhood. There was an explosion causing damage to surrounding homes, and an undetermined number of fatalities/injuries. When I got news I ran so fast to see what had happened that I forgot my patient sorry mom ! We made it out unharmed. I guess to wrap this one up take care of others, take care of yourselves! Call your friends, check on your neighbors. You’ll never know when you’ll have to lean on one another.
Tips
Take naps when possible !
Keep wine on deck !
Don’t forget to bathe!
See # 1
Keep some good people around you to help keep you motivated
Remember why you’re doing this, out of love!
Take time to let loose; let some of that steam go
Meditate/pray when you feel tired
When time permits take  trip/vacation
 