Two Thousand (18)Hateeen

Christmas is over, Thank God! I made it through another holiday cheers to that! This year I promised myself I wouldn’t put myself through the agony of getting together with the extended family. I couldn’t bare dealing with playing 21 questions another year. “How close are you to getting engaged?” “Do you even want kids?” You STILL modeling?” “ No grad school yet?” I avoided all of the drama this year, whew . The new year is coming and I am welcoming it with open arms. I sat writing trying to make 2018 sound bomb, in reality it whooped my ass, literally . My fairy tale romance came to an end and it was devastating. Obviously the pain from that pretty much took over me for a while. Letting go of the ties you had with another person, and the investments….listen... you make investments in people and that is a hard pill to let go. I’ve had breakups before but this is probably the hardest. It lasted longer than most relationships and it was a great friendship. I spent about 2 months in seclusion. I began seriously focusing on work and writing and not much else, I pretty much shut down from the world. Finally near the summer I began to come around but little did I know there were more hardships to come. My mom became seriously ill and had to have major surgery. I took a leave of absence from work to care for her full time. That was such a rough couple of months. I had basically no social life, and no personal time to take care of myself. Like the soldier she is, she rested and eventually got her strength back and was beginning to get back to her old self. The summer came and I was officially on summer vacation from work, time to plan some trips and have some much needed fun.Then on June 10th a devastating explosion hit my neighborhood. I was sitting with my mom giving her her lunch when I heard all the windows around me crash. I ran outside and it was like a scene from a movie. An explosion had claimed life and caused extensive damage to our entire neighborhood expanding as far as a 2 mile radius. I lost most of my windows, damaged personal items, glass covered all my carpet, and worst of all caused me to be a nervous wreck eventually causing me to have PTSD. I had nightmares, and loud noises would trigger my anxiety in ways it hadn’t before. I spent a lot of nights unable to sleep partly because of my nerves and the other half because it was summer and my windows were boarded up. I felt like I was in prison in my own house.

Mom was doing better, we were trying to rebuild after the explosion when we learned that my step dad or “Papa” (as I called him) had passed away in his nursing facility.I had avoided seeing him because I had lost so many loved ones in the past few years I didn’t want to see him and he wasn’t his usual sarcastic self He didn’t even know my name only my face and tat I was Roz’s daughter. My mom hadn’t been out since her surgery and this wasn’t the coming out party we had anticipated. For the first time as an adult I saw her actually breakdown.I never saw her as weak as she was during this time. So my job was to help bring her spirits up and basically put my needs to the side for a while but I was hurting so much. Another first, I had to be the muscle of the family, I had to take the lead. After months of holding everything in and holding it together, I finally snapped. As I was leaving his memorial service I walked up to the casket to say my final goodbye when...i lost it. I ran out of the funeral home locked myself in the car and just screamed. Nothing else just screamed. After that I had to start the process of healing, seriously getting back into my routine. I started back with my regular meditations and even became a little social. I squeezed in a few quick road trips, saw Bey in concert,celebrated some birthdays nothing major. Eventually our slow ass insurance company got everything in order to start rehabbing our house. It took over 4 months to get all the repairs done. As the repairs were being made, I decided to get rid of my furniture and give my house a face lift. Yes, things were finally starting to come together right just in time for my 31st birthday. Somehow I fell back under the “cloud” I slept most of the day(the cloud is what I call my anxiety/depression) Definitely unlike any other birthday. No elaborate plans, no fancy dinner, and no date. Wow not even a call from the ex but hey. When school started back that week, guess who finally got moved from the elementary schools to the high school? I literally wanted to work with the older kids for a few years which was a bright spot, new building, new administrator, and finally I had a home school no more moving around. Work was all unicorns and rainbows for .5 seconds. My work load/responsibilities almost tripled while my pay...yea same pay. Living the American Dream. I worked so hard time zoomed. Next thing you know it’s Thanksgiving, a much welcomed break. It’s something about the fall/winter season transition that always triggers my depression. Not quite sure what it is but I can usually predict around the holidays it’s coming and there’s no way to stop this train once its going. So I just try to brace myself and ride it out. November was just beginning of the “end of semester” countdown. Late nights at work, early meetings, and days full of 1,000 tasks and duties.I love my job don’t get it twisted, but if I could spend a day working from home that would be great. Now for my favorite time of year, the countdown to Christmas Break. Work is a little jollier, unless you’re a senior and you’ve failed 2 classes. Other than that it's a holly jolly time. I almost made it through the first semester without getting sick..almost. Kids don’t believe in staying home when they’re ill so my vacation started a little early with a nice stomach bug. I was all in the spirit of the season for a while then here comes “the cloud”. That damn cloud is always looming and most of the time I can coexist with it..but it was relentless this go round. As the year began to come to a close , I sat and reflected about my year and what I wanted to talk about...I was stumped about how to not make it sound so melancholy. I realized this was reality, and I’m sure somebody else feels me. Although it wasn’t my best year it was full of lessons, and I guess blessings in disguise. Because of the explosion, I was able to make several repairs and update my home, new carpet, new paint, new hallway flooring. I focused on my writing and was able to really reach a new audience through my blog. The blog about my mom got rave reviews and was an instant hit so thanks mom You should check it out (confessions of a caretaker). I even put my anxiety to the side and hosted a few fashion shows, I did a lot of networking. I am not a networker let's be clear. Social situations tend to make me uncomfortable but I sucked it up and went for it. I even auditioned for Ashley Stewart model search where I spoke in front of hundreds of people. I stepped out of my comfort zone just enough to meet some great people, and was reintroduced to others. As I’m getting to know new people and establish some other relationships,who am I cutting off this year hmmm? In my opinion it’s not necessary to brag about getting rid of people. I’d rather say act accordingly whatever that may be.The situations that aren’t nurturing your spirit and gifts act accordingly do as you see fit. No need to make this grand announcement on social media, just do what's best for you. If I take away nothing else from 2018, I realize how much I never listen! I never listen to my inner voice,the ancestors, hell who do I listen to? Everyone else’s voice overshadowed my own which is a no go as I move forward. For 2019 I vow to listen to myself and my inner voice more, ohhh wee that’s going to be tough. Now that I think about it...most of the things that happened in 2018 were because I simply didn’t listen. I had a spiritual reading and the message told me to listen the 1st time. I got the same message in meditations and I still didn’t. I’m listening now what’s good?? 2018 was a struggle year but in every situation you have to find the positive. In this new year I want to get focused on self, my work, my passions, my creativity, my pleasantries, trying new things, traveling. My personal life….I’ll guess you’ll have to keep reading to find out what’s going to happen. Happy New Year. I hope 2019 brings you the best life has to offer.

Stay Confident

Xoxo-Sam