No New Friends
Let me introduce you to my friend….awkward silence.
Me:Hi nice to meet you.
New Friend: it’s so nice to meet you I’ve heard so much about you
Me: okay ...awkward laugh and smile
That moment when your best friend introduces you to her new friend. It’s not that you have anything against your friend making new friends... or is it? Your mind starts to go...who is this chick? She don’t know about that time your mom caught you kissing Mike after school, or she wasn’t there that time in high school when we got locked out the house for being late for curfew. She ain’t your “friend friend”, if she was she would know your middle name.
What is it about us women when our friends make new friends? We become territorial like animals in the jungle. I swore I would never be “that” friend. I’d be happy when my friends meet new people they connect with. Yeah I lied, I hate when my closest friends bring new friends around. I do it... but my friend can’t do it. How dare she have new friends? Seems logical right?
When we become friends with someone especially when you’re young you think that person is going to be your friend forever and nothing can change that. Fact of the matter is once we grow up we outgrow some people. We mature and we discover who we are. It’s a natural occurrence but it sometimes feels so uncomfortable. I’ve been lucky enough to gain so many amazing new friends throughout my adulthood. In no way does this mean I don’t still love my old friends. New friends come into our lives and it’s refreshing to have new things to do together, new adventures and memories to create. You never really forget the ones who’ve been there.
There’s a few of my childhood friends that I’m still super close with. That is my tribe, my Day 1’s and nothing can break that up. However...I have several different groups of friends including my modeling family, my college boo’s, my band fam, work family, karaoke fam, etc. It’s so hard to balance and juggle all the different energies, personalities and schedules, oh the schedules. So many overlapping birthdays, baby showers, gatherings, it's insane. Me personally, I keep most of the groups separated. Have you ever tried to integrate all your various friends?? I’ve tried it a few times and quickly learned everybody doesn’t mix with everybody. Some of the trash talk when my old friends met my new friends. I wasn’t feeling it, people feel out of place or indifferent, I just prefer to keep folks separated, unless its my birthday. On my birthday is the exception. Once I get a few cocktails I don't care who doesn’t like who as long as I’m having fun.
The major hurdle I’ve come across recently is what to do when your “ghost friends” (whom you rarely speak to, have no idea about your current status in life) pop up with demands and expectations? For example, I know when you get married I’m in the wedding, or I know I’m going to be your child’s Godparent...yet another awkward moment. What do you do? Just flat out say nah fam? When you grow up you think the friends you have will always be there. Truth is friendships change or in some instances just fade away.
It’s scary to think the friends you once knew you just don’t know anymore or you don’t have much in common at this point in life Why are we so afraid to let go of friendships that no longer serve us? As an adult making new friends can be difficult. What are you supposed to say? We both like this song wanna be friends? Things were so much simpler when we had all of our classes together or our moms were friends growing up those were perfectly placed friendships. Unfortunately when childhood goes so does all these perfectly placed things.
We’ve adopted the NO NEW FRIENDS ideology and it’s such a dotish concept. Why wouldn’t we want to make new friends? At this juncture, I welcome new associates. I think I have enough friends to juggle at this time. The concept that your current friends are the only ones you can have is false, do you fam, meet new people! Everyone isn’t going to be your bff but it’s okay to explore and expand your social network. That’s what adulting is about networking.
What about this...someone you love dearly but you have just outgrown one another? You don’t hang out you don’t really have common interests except that you’ve always been friends? It’s tough to watch a friendship dwindle down to liking IG posts and happy birthday messages. I just keep in mid everything has its time and season. Let it flow as it shall. As I become older I value meaningful connectivity so much more than the number of friends in my circle. Who cares if I have 80 friends or 8? I’m rocking with who rocks with me, I’m supporting those that support me.
This isn’t high school, there’s no reward for having the most friends. I know some people may be offended but I’m going to put it out there, there are some people I’ve just become friends with recently who support my events, share my blog, repost my upcoming events, and most importantly are concerned with my well being. Some friends I’ve had nearly my whole life I have to practically beg to support my ventures. I’ve made my best attempts to be there, to be the good friend. I’ve decided to be the friend I want someone to be to me. So with that energy I’m no longer investing in friendships that do not serve me or bring me good energy. We don’t vibe anymore that’s cool. We enjoyed the time we had and now lets go our separate ways. Let’s admit relationships are hard work and it’s even harder when there’s no substance keeping us connected anymore.
One constant topic I keep revisiting is the support factor. If that person is your friend you shouldn’t have to ask your friends for support PERIODT. Mutual support is the foundation of relationships and communication can’t forget about that piece. My friend is selling cookies lemme get about a dozen, my friend designs clothes, I’m sending them clients, my homeboy is the plug , I got you. It has to be a relationship that serves all parties involved. I believe in watering things that have potential to grow. Be friends with someone who will check TF out of you when necessary. I got a few who are so good at that, it may piss me off at the moment but I know it stems from a place of love and concern. I appreciate the ones who stand by me, help guide me, and who encourage my growth not demean it or tear it down. Since I’ve started on my spiritual journey my instincts and vibrations don’t lie so if you want to be my friend be real. I can sniff out the ill intentions. I’ve had so many great people in my life and I’m eternally grateful for the lessons and memories. At the tender age of 27 (for the 5th year) I want my friendships to nurture me, build me up and I will in turn do the same. Next time my friend introduces me to a friend..I’ll be nice...maybe. Just now I’ll be watching and I got your back! Special shout out to my freeeennnndssssss my friends are better than yours!
XOXO- Sam