August Clouds

I sat in this beautiful hotel room after a magical date night with myself. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why I was still feeling so shitty. I made this plan to do more things for myself, so I took an overnight trip to a beautiful vineyard in hopes of boosting my mood. The month of August is always rather difficult for my depression/anxiety. I suffered a major loss on my birthday 8-18-13 and I’ve never fully recovered from it. At this point I can pretty much detect when the “cloud” is on its way. The cloud is a metaphor for my depression/mood shift. I try to be more social, plan a birthday extravaganza but this birthday was a little more sad than usual. I made a major decision in my personal life and I just knew I was going to feel so much lighter, and I would be back to my regular self.

In fact I felt about 100 times worse. I feel like in some ways I'm an expert on how to get myself back in order but boy was I wrong. I found myself sleeping all day, turning my phone on silent as long as four days. I could not get a handle on myself. The month of August used to bring me so much joy and now it just doesn't bring me the happiness it once did. I began to question myself my brain was on overload to the point I couldn’t focus on writing, meditating or anything really.

Luckily, I knew this was coming so I pre booked my therapy appointment for the following week. Finally I had revealed the whole truth about some of the things I had been hiding from my therapist. I swear I think this chick is a reader. She knew there was much more to the story than I had been willing to address before. Once I finally let everything out she asked “ Do you feel free?” In fact I felt a level of acceptance that I hadn’t in a while. I accepted the fact that I was the cause of so many of my own triggers, not sticking to my self care plan, my being antisocial in dark times, instead of addressing the issues, I threw myself into work projects, keeping myself distracted so I wouldn’t have down time to think.. Once again I had alienated myself from the world to protect myself. During this time I did what I do best, overfucking think.

I’m Sam an overthinker, over analytical, trainwreck sometimes. It had gotten to the point I went 4 days without sleeping at night. I couldn't quiet my thoughts enough to shut down at night. After my appointment I had accepted that the whole situation was centered around the thought of turning a year older and not being satisfied with the direction my life was headed. I had to ask myself had I been setting myself up for the things I wanted? The family, the business, the community goals, had I really been doing the work to align myself with those things? I some instances yes, but no for the majority of them no. I had to confront myself and realize I talk a lot, I plan a lot but I am so terrified of being disappointed. Every event I have planned to do (in my head) I’ve never followed through. I have always had high expectations of other people and how I think they should support me. It seems like in the past few weeks, I kept seeing the quote “Don’t expect YOU from people’ and I felt that. Over the years I’ve felt like I don’t receive the support I deserve. Where I’m from, it's a big high school all about who’s popular at the moment. I felt like why should I keep writing/posting if the followers aren’t there? So for weeks my computer went untouched.

The word disappointment is a trigger word in my dictionary. I never want to be a burden to someone or feel like I have disappointed someone with my sometimes unconventional antics. I like to go ghost sometimes stay in the house, some days if I can go a day without talking at all I’m good with that. What I came to realize during my thinking I wasn’t satisfied, especially with my personal life, work either really. I deserve so much more. It took me a long time to realize I do deserve the things I log for. The problem is and has ben is getting my thoughts to feel this consistently. Nobody is harder on me than I am. I’m being told I need to go back to school, I need to start back dating, I need to go apply for new jobs, I need to move away. So many people telling me what I need, that my own thoughts were being drowned out. What is it that I want? I want the family I prayed for, I want a career that allows me to support myself comfortably, I want to live in a quiet suburban neighborhood(y heart is in the hood though), I want to be supported yet have my independence.

If you read my blog about the weddings, you know I had 5 weddings/celebrations over a four month period. That alone made me feel like where is my person? Am I always going to be alone just watching everybody having these major life transitions? That alone was stressful enough. How about watching someone you have feelings for be with someone else..all things that attributed to my “cloud’. I was in deep thought about what I wanted my love life to look like. I really had to think about was I where I wanted to be again the answer was no.

I want a life that is the one I created and manifested. It’s weird even typing these things out. A dear friend of mine told me say aloud the things I want and be unapologetic about that shit. He was almost yelling at me but I heard you loud and clear. It's weird feeling like the things you want you have to whisper them. I figure if I write so much about how I want my readers owning their truths and being themselves it’s time I start doing the same for myself. Again these are my internal struggles and I know I'm not the only one. It's about time I stop living in fear of my past traumas, the disappointments, the abandonment, they created a wall and it has been a constant battle facing these issues head on.

I give myself permission to pursue the things I want no matter how crazy they may be. I can do this, I have to believe there are better days ahead. With love and a whole lot of support (wine, rice krispies, and crying sessions) I will get there. During the time I took away from the blog I began getting feedback from strangers asking when I was going to write again. What people may not realize when these types of episodes take over your thinking it is difficult to create. I tried to write several times, wrote notes on paper, typed on my phone, and nothing was coming to me. So if this blog is all over the place…. ta-da that is why. Sometimes there is no perfect way to do it.

I believe this is the message for this blog, it’s not always going to be perfect, there will be days you want to say fuck it! I’ve said this to myself so many times. Today with a glass of wine I said F it and just wrote. No over analyzing, or reviewing 10 times before I posted. I just went with the truth. Real and raw is all I have at this moment. It’s not always easy but take it one day at a time!

xoxo-Sam

Here's some things I haven't given myself enough credit for

- Completing 6 months of therapy

-Repairing relationships with former friends/distant family members

-Recognizing my past traumas

-Establishing more boundaries

-Learning to say No more often