What's haunting you?
Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or threat. Fear is triggered by the perception of danger real, or imagined.
So it’s almost time for the the spookiest time of year, Halloween is coming. As much as Candy Man and Jason scare me (and they do) there’s something even scarier lurking behind the trees in the dark forest. .. You can hear the rustling of the leaves across the damp cement, the moon is full giving you an eerie feeling, the constant creaking of the window pane, what's scarier than that?.I’m talking about real fear...the fear of making adult decisions!!!!!! EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK .Adulting is the scariest, realest night terror I've ever faced ! If you don't adult, this blog isn't for you check back later. To my fellow adults, lets huddle tightly together before adulting takes us out one by one.
In the past few weeks I’ve been having some really deep conversations with myself and friends that I have those deep long talks with. The same concerns, kept coming up. Convos went a little something like this, I’m ready to start a new career but.... I would end my relationship but..., I want to move out of state but.... I’m ready to start dating again but.... Needless to say fear is running rapid in most of our lives in one way or another. Trying new things, stepping out on faith is the most difficult thing you can do, or so it seems. Once you’ve reached a certain level of comfort in your life it’s hard to see or think beyond that way of living. Comfort beautiful at times but also debilitating.
Quite frankly, I’ve started to outgrow my everyday life. Everyday the same routine, seeing the same people,going to the same places. It’s getting rather complacent around here and it’s causing me to become restless, and somewhat uninterested in things I normally take pleasure in. Work is the place I daydream the most. Most of the time I’m at work day dreaming about being on the red carpet, hosting something on E! News. I’ve been having dreams, seeing places I’ve never seen, thinking of what and who I could be if it wasn’t for fear.
The fact remains I haven’t done any of that shit and why? Honestly what am I afraid of? Oh yeah MONEY! I don't have any!
In my situation the fear resides much deeper than what's on the surface. My biggest fear is what if I fail and let down all the people who believed in me? What if I fail by allowing my anxiety to grip me so tightly I let my dreams slip through my fingers? But what if...what if I have the audacity to win? What if I am become a huge success? What if I make history as the first to do….something? These thoughts have been keeping me up for weeks. With every blog I write, every show I perform at, I think to myself, I could be one step closer.” Knowing everyday I have to get up and go to work to earn a living to pay bills with little to no money to enjoy myself......adulting at its finest. What about when you check your account the money is there so you buy yourself something nice? Next thing you know BOOM account is overdrawn $434.89. It happens to someone everyday! (Not me this time)
Aside from my financial woes( more to come on this soon), relationships and rekindling somethings has been a biggie.
I have been struggling with what relationships to let go of and which ones are worth keeping. Is it possible that some ties are holding me back from reaching my potential? Could my job be holding me back from my true calling? Family, relationships, which people do I reach out to, and reconnect with? Which ones do I let dissolve? The fact is I’m terrified of making choices especially when it comes to my personal life and worried that my decisions will affect me in the long run.
Lets get on the topic of relocating…..first of all, I just found a good therapist okay?! This topic here has kept me up countless nights. I would love to move somewhere warm and sunny, low crime, because let’s keep it 100 I’m tired of the gunshots outside my window every night. My biggest worries are 1. who will look after my mom and 2. can I bring my dog? I refuse to leave my dog here let’s be clear. I go she goes, no exceptions. The fear of starting completely over, not having the support (and sometimes the coddling) I get at home is blasphemous. Me not having mommy to occasionally fold my laundry or make Sunday dinner..how could I live? I literally have been spoiled by my mom most of my life and feeling like one day I’m going to actually have to do this shit on my own scares my wig off!
The idea of making new friends, finding my way around a strange place, learning new highways, making sure there’s an Ulta Beauty nearby is horrifying! There’s people I know that are like nomads constantly changing cities, picking up and moving at the drop of a dime for work. I’m in awe , how do you do that just uproot? I freak out just going to Walmart (wanna talk about real fear that’s it). The idea of change is probably what scares many of us. Fear of the unknown and what could possibly lie ahead.
Truth is, the best part of our lives could be on the other side of the fear that has manifested within us. I’d love to tell you go do it, take that leap without fear. I'm not going to be hypocritical by telling you what to do knowing I haven’t found the strength to do this in my own life.However, I will encourage whoever is reading this to make decisions that will make you happy and start writing down the things you want, the things you won’t dare to say aloud. Keep thinking it, keep dreaming about it until you have the audacity to do something about it, if you don't you'll be like me, having you dreams turn into nightmares because you refuse to relinquish fear. What will fear keep you from?
“Our biggest fear is that we are not inadequate Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
- Marianne Willamson