Fighting Demons

Samantha Walker! Samantha Walker? I slumped down in my chair ,how did I end up here again? I swore after last time i would never be back. I swore out prescription drugs years ago, and yet here I am. I drug myself out my chair and followed the nurse back for the usual vitals, and what brings you in spill. I was pissed because my therapist refused to continue service me until I went to psych. Back in the psych clinic, why am I here? After about an hour I went home with 2 new drugs to try in addition to all the self medicating I had already been doing. When I got home I took 1 edible, 2 sleeping pills, both of my anti anxiety meds, a pain med, and a glass of vino to wash it all down. To my disappointment I woke up the next morning. How have I gotten myself here again?

Christmas time used to be my favorite and at some point in life nothing bought me more misery than the holiday season. It’s funny, I decorate my house, go to parties and no one really knows the things going through my head. I can go home and pass out so I don’t have to deal. Yet and still every time my head touched the pillow the demons in my head were conjuring something to keep me up at night. Nothing seemed to stabilize my thinking. I went to therapy and just felt numb. I confessed to her I couldn’t cry. Me being the emotional creature couldn’t produce a single tear.

I wasn’t sad, depression gets the reputation of being sad or just emotions that resemble sadness. It’s so much more than that. When you combine anxiety, with depression it’s a whole new ball game which makes it that much harder to process feelings and emotions. The hardest part of it all is feeling like i have no control over my body. The 2 of them are having a constant tug of war over me. I knew it was time to go get more help when I spent 2 weeks under my covers in excruciating physical pain in addition to my mental state. I looked around my bedroom nothing but clutter everywhere, empty food containers, clothes it was a disaster. I had no visitors during that time (or even now). I hate having to explain my situation just to hear,” you’ll be fine”

I can say I had some friends who checked on me regularly, made sure I was eating, and you are more appreciated than you know. I had contemplated whether or not I would take my medical leave of absence from work or push through. I decided to get myself out of this rut before it consumed me completely. I came back to work still on a make up strike, hair tossed into a ponytail. I hadn’t combed my hair in days. When I went to get my hair done the back of my hair was so matted down it took forever to detangle it and I lost some hair in the process.

Everyone always says you have to push yourself, don’t isolate its dangerous. I tried to go out. I psyched myself out. I made plans to gout with a girlfriend. As i was getting dressed, i noticed a twitch beginning in my thumb. Before I knew it, my hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t put my makeup on correctly. I broke down as my text messages were going off asking if I was ready to go. I couldn't take my medication because it would put me to sleep. O I did what I do and headed out. An hour into the event I felt the panic starting, I w hot, antsy, feeling as if the room was getting smaller and tighter around me. So that was the last social outing I'll be having for a while. It took me forever to come down from that attack. When someone asked if I was all better I just said yes, its over, I’m good. I wasn’t good. I felt trapped.

Unfortunately medication isn’t a 1 step fixer upper. Since I began psycho therapy the side effects are vicious. Once I take it I usually fall asleep,about 30 minutes after my dose I get an excruciating headache. One day I was at work and just threw up. I never told anyone or went home. I just kept going as if it hadn't happened. People say all the time, you have drugs now you should be good. If only that was the case, that would be great. Truth is there is no 1 true solution.

Even though i think the worst of it is over, I felt like so much was lost during this process. I feel like I’ve really fucked some things up in this black hole of mine. Some relationships were strained while I was trying to dig my way out of something. I will not cop out or blame my mental state. I will hold myself accountable for decisions I’ve made. My heart goes out to anyone I’ve hurt. You deserve better, you deserve consistency. This blog wasn’t for the girl who cried wolf but a literal example that healing is not lateral! I was doing so much better and i Just got caught up in my own black hole. So I’m hoping as this new year continues, I can find the love I’ve been looking for and that is the love of self. I’ve been searching for love from others but that’s not going to happen until I fall back in love with myself.

We as human beings tend to outsource, we look for the things we need in people. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m on a mission, it may take some time but I keep waking up so I may as well make the best of it and figure out why am I still here…..

If there are any grammatical errors its because I hurried up and posted before I lost the nerve to share!